What is discernment?

Written by Dunstan Rodrigues SJ

During my first experience of a week-long silent retreat, my spiritual director suggested I pray with Psalm 138/9. I had the whole day simply to meditate and reflect on the words of the psalm. 'A whole day!', I thought to myself, 'for one single psalm!'. Such a suggestion left me feeling a bit disappointed. 'I mean, while I have so much time with nothing much to do,' I thought, 'why not try to read a bit more – to make the most of this free time?' Despite these thoughts, I accepted the suggestion yet felt a bit annoyed and even slightly humiliated as I left the room. 'This is going to be boring…' I said to myself.

It took about a minute to finish reading the psalm. Shortly afterwards I decided to go out for a walk. Happily, it was a beautiful, breezy day and I felt unusually cheerful while walking - even sometimes skipping – along the country lanes by the retreat house. I looked upon the spacious, fresh landscape and the words of the Psalm 139 came to me in the form of the hymn by Bernadette Farrell:

O God, you search me and you know me, all my thoughts lie open to your gaze.
When I walk or lie down you are before me, ever the maker and keeper of my days.
You know my resting and my rising, you discern my purpose from afar
and with love everlasting you besiege me, in every moment of life or death you are.

Singing these words to myself a few times, something suddenly struck me, something I had never really noticed before. It was the phrase 'you discern my purpose from afar'.

You see, discernment was something that I had been trying to do for some months before the retreat. I was trying to discover and work out the best direction to take in my life and heard that this thing called 'discernment' was a way to do so. So, I had been trying to discern; weighing up different options, looking at the pros and cons, looking for signs that would help me become clearer etc.

It was hard work. It involved sifting, searching, deliberation, looking for coherence and meaning. It demanded self-awareness, self-critique and often asking and posing questions: What is the state of my heart? What are the emotions, feelings and thoughts at work within me? What should my next step be?

Reading the phrase 'you discern my purpose from afar' helped me see discernment in a new light. For - it dawned on me - maybe you can think of God as the One who discerns? Maybe you can think of God as the protagonist of discernment? To think of God, rather than myself, as the One who searches, sees and knows?

Whatever its credibility, such a thought helped me relax. It seemed to take the pressure off a bit. Yes, I would and could continue searching. Yes, I could continue looking for the right answer, for the best direction to take. But, in a sense, I was not alone in my discernment and deliberation. It was possible to relax and let myself by seen.

This has been a theme to which I have returned at different points in my life. Searching for coherence, for meaning, trying to make sense of things, to find the right way. This is what discernment, and indeed life, is often about. Yet, at the same time, it is also about simply letting yourself be seen. It is about becoming attuned to another kind of narrative, one which does not demand that you push too hard for clarity through the use of various exercises and techniques but rather which invites a simple sharing of heart.

Bring everything into the light. Share your desires, questions, hurts, hopes, fears, loves, losses etc. Share your heart. And then simply live life, waiting for clarity to emerge, waiting for a clarity which will help you find your way and see the right direction to take.

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